Dear Ms. Mabel,

I’m trying to mentally prepare to spend Christmas with my in-laws. They are, in a word, exhausting … especially my mother-in-law. I have no doubt she means well. She’s just constantly worrying over every single detail to the point she’s no fun to be around. Ugh. Please help me figure out how to enjoy the holidays this year.

Apprehensive,

Adams, TN

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Truth be told, you just described 99.9% of the mothers, worldwide, during Christmas time. Well, I just made that statistic up but you get the point. 

I’m not going to debate whether it's fair or if all the pressure is self-inflicted, but I think most of us can agree mothers can make or break that holiday magic. It can be a bit of a burden, sure, but it’s also a mighty big privilege to be the keeper of all things merry and bright. 

When I was a young mother, I didn’t have all the extra stuff to keep up with that you girls have now. It was easy to figure out and stick to my priorities back then because nothing was clouding my judgment. Even still, I got stressed out during the holidays trying to make it perfect for everyone. 

The pressure didn’t go away once my children got older. If anything, it got stronger. 

I found myself trying harder and harder to create moments that were equally as special as the ones they’d experienced when they were little. It seemed like the more I tried to bring back the magic, the bigger the failure. 

One year, my mother-in-law was staying with us over the holidays. She was recovering from surgery, and I’d offered to handle Christmas for the family at my house that year. So, not only was I in a fuss trying to make it perfect, but I also had to put up with her in a fuss trying to make it perfect while she was bound to the chair in my living room. It was, as you said, exhausting.

She drove me absolutely BANANAS worrying about every little ol’ thing. God love her. At the time, I took it personally, thinking her obsessing was just a sign she doubted my capabilities. I got a little sore about it. Okay, I got A LOT sore about it and I may have made my husband a little miserable as well. Bless him, he was a good man. Anyway, she kept on giving orders and following up from her easy chair, while I ran myself ragged trying to make EVERYONE happy. 

The final straw was THE HAM incident. 

She was worried to death about getting the ham ordered, and wouldn’t stop asking me about it until I called to order it right in front of her. That didn’t stop her nagging, though. As soon as I hung up, she started worrying about whether the ham would be delivered on time. I tried to reassure her we’d ordered from that particular butcher many times without issue and my husband did, too. 

It didn’t help. 

Without us knowing, she proceeded to call ANOTHER BUTCHER to order ANOTHER ham “just in case.” Now, imagine my surprise when I ended up with two hams that Christmas. 

I was livid. She’d gone too far.

My husband didn’t see the big deal. We’d just stick the other one in the freezer, he said. I marched right up to her, ready to give her a big ol’ piece of my mind. Before I could say a word, I saw the tears welling up in her eyes. At that moment, for the first time ever, I saw her as MORE than just my mother-in-law. It’s hard, even as full grown adults, to see other even older adults as just people with insecurities and worries just like our own. No matter how old we get, we keep looking at the older generation like they are supposed to have figured out how to keep from making mistakes. It’s like our brains can’t wrap around allowing someone to be both wise AND human at the same time. 

As the tears streamed down her face and she croaked out an apology, I saw her as a woman just like me. For 50 years, she’d been the keeper of Christmas and that’s not something you can shut off easily.  Now, hams aren’t exactly magical but it was all she had and she didn’t know how to let go. 

We sat and talked for a while. I shared my own struggles with making it all perfect and she told me about all the times she got it all wrong. From that moment on, we had a little inside joke that lasted through the whole holiday, which was wonderful by the way. 

Six weeks after Christmas, my mother-in-law unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. I’ll forever treasure that last holiday together. 

Even though it was tough at the moment, I’m so glad we had that time together.  She taught me a lot over the years, but that last lesson was the most important of all. No matter how old, mommas and grandmommas and great grands too, we’re all still humans. We’re still women worried over the same things and fighting through the same fears. This is our first time living life, too. 

A few more weeks after her passing, I offered to host the family for Easter. Again, I got caught up in the hustle, got a little overwhelmed with all the details and forgot to order the ham in time. I was frantic and in tears until my husband reminded me that we already had a ham in the freezer. 

Ol’ girl was still bringing the magic all the way from her grave. 

Have patience with each other this season, y’all, and don’t skip out of spending time with those you love. 

A grace-filled heart equals a peaceful soul, and time is the best teacher. 

Keep on writin' to me and I'll keep on writin' back. Have a Merry Christmas, y'all.

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