Lured by the promise of a treat and his favorite ball afterward, the newest member of the White House Police Department, K9 Officer Zeus, agreed to "sit" and "speak" to Stay Positive News writer Jessica Collier, aided by his dog-terpreter and partner, Sgt. Brandon Waller. One month into the job, the Netherlands-born Belgian Malinois woofed his way through a wide range of topics. Here's the transcript:

Full Name - Zeus

Nickname - Zeusey

Age - 1.5 Years Old

Relationship Status - Lone wolf at the moment, but open to the idea of love if it’s the right girl. She has to understand that the job comes first, of course, and then my ball. I love that thing. 

Hobbies - Playing fetch / Playing tug of war (I always win) / Licking Dad’s ear in the car until he pets me.

Favorite Part of your job? Chasing bad guys. Not gonna lie, I can’t believe I get to bite people at work. They don’t let you do that anywhere else, ya know? A close second is sniffing for drugs because I get my ball when I find them. My ball is my favorite. 

Least favorite part of your job? Tracking people. I don’t like to use my nose. You wouldn’t either if you had to sniff the things I do. It smells like dirty socks and rotten lettuce out there, man. I’d rather use my eyes, but Dad says I have to use my nose. This is off the record, but I still look up when I think he isn’t watching. The man is always watching, though. Pretty sure he’s obsessed with me. 

‍Describe your training. Did another dog ever eat your homework? Honestly, I didn’t let other dogs close enough to eat my homework. I had to make sure I got my ball when I turned it in the next day. Training was exhausting, but I enjoyed it. The place was overrun with bad guys. It was ridiculous! I got my ball when I did good and, not to brag or anything, but I got my ball A LOT while I was there. I learned how to do building searches, tracks, narcotic searches, and article searches. Of course, there was also obedience training. Obedience was hard, because I had to walk next to Dad and stay against his leg while he turned or stopped. I love the guy, but sometimes his movements don’t make sense. I had to learn to follow him anyway.

When you are chasing a suspect, how do you know if you are barking up the wrong tree? With all due respect, ma’am, do you even know how this works? If we are outside chasing a suspect, Dad will tell me which person to go after. If we are searching a building and the suspect is behind a closed door, I have to tell Dad and he opens it for me. I will say, there have been times when I’ve gotten really excited and start chewing on the door before Dad can open it. That’s something I usually regret later on. The aftertaste is brutal.

Which is worse, actual squirrels or humans who act squirrely? Unless a squirrel is storing stolen property or selling drugs out of their tree, I don’t even notice they exist. When a human is acting squirrely, I know Dad might get me out of the car and I will have fun. I’ve tried to talk him into playing our theme song when he lets me out, but he says that would be unprofessional. And before you ask, no … I’m not telling you what our theme song is. That is none of your business. 

Does it bother you that you might not actually ever figure out “who’s a good boy?” Ma’am, the answer to that question is classified, need-to-know information and you do not need to know. However, I can tell you that Dad has revealed the identity of “good boy” to me many times. 

On a related note, do you know who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof. Ahem … sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I bet Dad let the dogs out because he lets me out all the time. Sometimes, I whine in the car until he will let me out. I work 12 hours at a time, so dad lets me out often to stretch my legs. 

And finally …

If all dogs go to heaven, do all cats go to jail? If the jail wasn’t so full they would, but I guess they can go to heaven for now. I won’t be playing with them, though. Those lazy bums don’t even have jobs unless you count doing weird stuff in YouTube videos as a career.