Dear Ms. Mabel,

I recently got in a big fight with my 19-year-old daughter. It’s been building for a while because she thinks I treat her like a child …. but she IS still a child. She still lives at home while in college and expects full freedom and privacy. But I say it’s my home and she should follow my rules. What exactly am I supposed to do here? Cut the apron strings entirely and just let go? Is 19 actually an adult? Please help me.

Frustrated mom,

Cottontown

Truth be told, years ago it was a whole lot easier to define the word “adult.” But that was back when folks got married and had at least one child by the time they were 18. I don’t really remember anyone discussing who the grown ups were, we just knew.

Go ahead and write that down as reason #234 of why life was just simpler back then. We didn’t feel the need to go around labeling everyone something for the sake of labeling. That’s a bit silly and tiresome if you ask me.

Now, don’t let that get your girdle in a gob or, in you young’ins case, your spanx in a snarl. I’m gonna love y’all where you’re at, label or not. Everyone else should, too, for that matter.

Okay, I’m gonna get back to the question before I get myself in trouble. I firmly believe, despite my good looks and quick wit, you’d cancel an old woman before I could say Jiminy Cricket.

Ruthless bunch, y’all are.

Anywho. I think the general consensus nowadays is that the act of becoming an adult is pretty subjective and something to be put off as long as possible. I get the first part. There were some good-for-nothings in my past who didn’t deserve the title of adult. But I don’t rightly understand the reasoning behind this Peter Pan business of delaying adulthood. Becoming an adult is when things like real-life purpose and the possibility of fulfillment kick in, no? Plus, you can eat ice cream ANYTIME YOU WANT as an adult because you are out there just buying that stuff with your own adult money.

Kids are all about themselves, what they want, what they need, yada yada. So, simply put, the definition of an adult is someone who is not only responsible for something other than themselves, but also makes decisions considering that thing before they consider what they want.

The easiest example of this is becoming a parent, obviously. I’ve said for years, nothing will take away any shard of selfishness quite like going to the potty while someone is trying to crawl up in your lap.

There’s other examples, of course. A marriage, a career, the focused pursuit of faith, even a dedication to schooling can all cause a person to become less about childish wants and more about the greater good.

Now, I don’t know who brought it about, the youth of today or their parents, but there seems to be this idea that no one needs to grow up until they’re creeping up on 30. Honestly, I think that's horse dooky. Like I said earlier, the possibility of life purpose and fulfillment doesn’t kick in until adulthood. Why wait?

This idea of staying young and carefree, avoiding any real responsibility, might be the very thing that’s keeping everyone anxious and depressed. I’d be out of sorts, too, if I didn’t have things to look after that demand I keep my head on straight. I dunno, maybe I am just a crazy old lady but it makes sense to me.

We should encourage young folks to take on responsibility. Allow them to bear some burdens and learn how to live outside of themselves, even when it hurts. The alternative has gotta be an awful thing, just sitting around only thinking about yourself all the time. I mean, most of us are pretty uninteresting, wouldn’t you say?

Honestly, I feel like I’ve talked a whole bunch here and still not actually answered your question. Is a 19-year-old an adult? I tell myself every day that age is just a number. The real question is: is your daughter READY to be an adult? Only she can answer that question but I hope everything I’ve said has sparked a desire to encourage her.

Let me know how it goes.