Dear Mabel,

I made a New Year’s Resolution to have a better relationship with my stepson. He’s 15 and lives with us part time. He’s not a bad kid per say, we just rarely see eye to eye. His dad and I have been married for two years and I’ve yet to establish a real relationship with him. Honestly, he doesn’t seem interested and it’s becoming a big problem.  Any advice?

Bridge the gap,

Cottontown, TN

Truth be told, there’s a lot of missing details here. I’ll do my best with what little information I have. 

Your first mistake is calling it a “New Year’s Resolution;” that’s just setting yourself up for failure. It’s good to make positive changes and set goals, of course, but I like to frame it a little differently myself. 

On my birthday every year, I like to give myself a “gift” in the form of a reward for accomplishing something new. For instance, one year I gave myself the “gift” of better lungs by quitting smoking. Another year, I gave myself the “gift” of increased financial security by making a plan to save more money per month. For me, focusing on the reward or “gift” makes any of my goals feel attainable. 

Anywho, let's get back to your question. 

Disclaimer — I’m about to do that thing where I tell you a story that doesn’t seem to relate, but it ends up making sense in the end so stay with me. It’s about to get weird for a second. 

Okay, so here we go…

Your predicament makes me think of my relationship with my vacuum. 

See? I told you it was gonna get weird. Just don’t run off yet. 

Two Christmases ago, the kids got me one of those vacuums that rolls around on its own. At first, I was kinda excited. Between my eyesight waning and my hip that don’t always want to cooperate, keeping house isn’t as easy as it once was. My granddaughter, Melissa, got it all plugged up and showed me what buttons to push before they left that day.

The next morning, I did just like she said and off it went. Zooooom! 

I stood there, watched it for a minute, and then got on with my morning. Not even a minute went by and the thing was beeping like crazy, all hung up in the lamp cord. I don’t know if I'm gonna like this. I moved it to the other side of the room, then turned it back on. Sure enough, a few minutes later the dumb thing was stuck up under the couch, so here I was on my hands and knees cussin’ at it like it got stuck on purpose. In a last-ditch effort, I moved it into the kitchen while I was washing up dishes. Wouldn’t you know, that darn thing got hung up under the refrigerator? 

That was it. 

I can’t publish what all I said, but I think y’all might be shocked to hear all the dirty words I actually know. I unplugged it and fussed at it all the way to the garage, where I left it. I do realize I was scolding a machine but that ain’t no matter. I can’t explain why it made me mad, but I was ready to fight it. 

A couple days later, Melissa came by and noticed it wasn’t where she left it. I told her everything that happened and she laughed and said, “Mamaw, it doesn't think like a person. That stuff will happen. You gotta let it do its thing and help it out when it needs it.”  

Now, I could tell that she really wanted me to like this thing so I decided to give it another try.  

I thought I might as well give it a name, so I called ‘er Cindy. But I wasn’t content with letting it do its thing this time around. I needed to meet her on common ground … literally. I had been looking at it all wrong. The vacuum wasn’t the problem, my dirty floors were. I didn’t HAVE to use the vacuum, I could keep on doing what I’ve been doing, but I knew if I viewed us as a team we might win the war on cat hair.     

I grabbed my broom and we got to work. 

Y’all ever seen videos of those fellas who do the sport, curling? If you haven’t, go look it up, ‘cause that’s kinda what I look like now. I go in front of Cindy and get the ground ready for her. It works great. My floors haven’t been this clean in 10 years!!

Now, based on your comment, “He doesn’t seem interested,” I’m challenging you to look for a solution a little differently. 

Just like my vacuum, the little fella isn’t exactly the “problem,” the lack of relationship/teamwork between the two of you is. It’s a terrible idea to speculate what another person is thinking, especially a teenager let alone a teenage boy. Most teenage boys are terrible communicators, right?

My best advice is to start a conversation with him. He’s old enough to communicate what he wants, but it’s likely he’ll just shrug his shoulders. Instead of blaming his attitude, ask yourself where the ‘tude is coming from. If you suspect he doesn’t know how to tell you what’s wrong, help the guy out. Start with that and see what happens. He might surprise you. 

For anybody else reading this, I have a challenge for you as well. This week, take a hard look at your “difficult” relationships. Would you benefit in shifting your “problem” perspective, too?

Y’all let me know what other problems ya got! I’m here waiting. 

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