Dear Ms. Mabel,

Everyone keeps talking about how we’re supposed to get snow this week. I’m new to this area and can't help but feel like I’m missing something. It doesn’t sound like there’s going to be a LOT of snow. I just don’t understand what the big fuss is all about and I’m too afraid to ask anyone because they’ll just roll their eyes about me being “new here.” Please help me understand. What should I be doing right now that I’m not? What should I expect?

Winter wonderland skeptic,

Castalian Springs, TN

Truth be told, all them other folks ought to be ashamed of themselves for not making you feel like you could ask questions. In their defense, we do get tired of people making fun of how we act when the snow is coming. We know we’re ridiculous, but we’re just so far into our crazy there’s no point trying to be any different. 

Anyways…

First of all, the tizzy you are witnessing is due to the fact that we’re entering the official “winter” in Tennessee. We get about two or three weeks of it around here, so everyone is excited because it’s a change and gives folks something to talk about. I swear we all have a built-in script. As the cold-weather weeks progress, we go from “I hate it being dark at 5:00” to “Are you ready for Christmas?” to “How’s the ridge?” when real winter arrives. 

Second, the phrase “we just aren’t equipped to handle snow” is to winter like “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity” is to summer. Get used to it. You’re going to hear it a lot. You’ll probably even start saying it to your people back home while you’re stuck inside waiting for the roads to melt. Unless you have a 4-wheel drive and want to get out and do doughnuts with the good ol’ boys.

Now, I don’t know where the bread and milk thing actually came from, but you are going to want to stock up on necessities. Just don’t buy healthy stuff – you’re going to want a little extra weight on you to keep warm in case the power goes out due to ice. Everyone here has an ice storm story. If you don’t believe me, just ask them. We southerners do love to share our severe weather tales. 

Don’t worry with trying to buy a sled. If you haven’t already got one, there won’t be any left. We’ve used trash can lids, cardboard, inner tube, and a baby mattress. A couple of times, my boys attempted to stay up on water skis while holding onto a rope attached to a trailer hitch, but I don’t recommend that unless you tend to bounce back pretty easily (if you do attempt, please send videos!).

Another important thing to remember: the weather forecast is going to change a dozen times between now and then. It don’t really matter what they say anyways. It could be a sprinkle or it could be 10 inches and the weatherman ain’t gonna know for certain. Weather people in Tennessee are hired based on their ability to make people feel calm during a tornado warning, not how well they actually predict what’s going to happen. 

In any case, just be prepared. Buy your snacks, hot chocolate mix, maybe a deck of cards or a puzzle and enjoy whatever comes because it won’t stick around that long. Before you know it, people will be talking about spotting buttercups and planting gardens.

Y’all give me some problems to solve while I’m hiding inside away from the cold. You know I got the answers.