Dear Ms. Mabel, 

My daughter keeps pushing me to go ahead and decorate for Christmas. I’ve always loved my Thanksgiving decorations and held fast to only putting up Christmas decorations after Thanksgiving. She says that’s just not a “thing” anymore. I love Thanksgiving as much as Christmas. Am I just too old-fashioned?

Betwixt and Between,

Barren Plains, TN

Truth be told, I can’t imagine telling anyone they are “too old-fashioned.” 

Have you seen me? If you look up “old-fashioned” in the dictionary, the definition is probably just my face. Or the face of someone who looks an awful lot like me, anyways. 

Now first of all, your daughter sounds silly. What isn’t a “thing” anymore? People living their lives as they darn well please as long as it doesn’t hurt nobody else? You just go on and put your Christmas tree up when you want to put your Christmas tree up. 

I get it, we all love Christmas and Christmas decorations. BUT who among us isn’t COMPLETELY ready to take all that mess down when it’s over? Why put it up too early so that it’s lost its magic before the holiday even gets here? 

Again, do what makes you happy, but I’m adding Christmas decorating to the list of things we get SO excited about beforehand and then are SO done with SO quick. I’m going to pretend like you’ve asked me what else is on that list because that’s what the rest of this column is about. 

Surely a few of you want to know…

1). Boobs

Yeah, I said it. Boobs. Y’all remember being little girls and how excited we were at the prospect of getting boobs? How long did it take you to realize they were more trouble than they were worth? Less than a year, probably. They’re really only good for feeding babies and maybe a little cleavage helped me out of the occasional speeding ticket years ago. Otherwise, they literally just get in the way. Well, I did use them to get into a bar in Knoxville that one time, too.

Anyways. Boobs just have a small window of usefulness, that’s all I’m saying. 

2). A Big Snow

Who doesn’t get all giddy when the forecast calls for a big snow? Well, besides those who still have to go to work regardless, all the rest of us keep walking by the window just waiting for it to start. 

But … what if it doesn’t melt in two days like a good snow is supposed to? We’ve done all our playing and the yard has gone from a winter wonderland to a foot-tracked muddy, ugly mess.

Y’all still just as excited then? Of course not. It’s time for that nonsense to go on its merry way and bring the temps back up above 50. 

3) A Pot of Chili 

As soon as that first nip of fall hits, we’re all gung-ho about running to the store for the canned tomatoes and ground beef. Then, we inevitably make too much. It’s okay, though, because we won't have to cook again for a few days. 

By day three, about the time you run out of sour cream, you just can’t eat another bite. The sight of it grosses you out. Who even likes chili that much?

What do you think? Did I leave anything out?

Now, don’t come after me like I’m some kinda Grinch or something. I’m not. I love Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas. I just don’t think there’s a need to be in such a hurry to get it up. But by all means, y’all do what makes you happy. 

I mean that. If you want to put your tree up in September, do you, darlin’. 

Merry Everything, baby. Falalalala.